Shy

At left, a lovely shadow from Cornava as posted in wikicommons.

A shadow is not the same as the thing. It is true to the thing only in a passing glance.

I've had a horrible early fall cold this week and have made it to work, but little else.

I've been reading and thinking.

I've a good idea for the next novel which is the first really good new idea I feel I've had in the last decade. It's been about nine years now since I started pressing again to finish work and about two-and-a-half years since I have been writing seriously - meaning with dedication - again.

It's just about the correct time for something to come trickling back through.

I'm shy.

I don't look it and apart from not dancing in the middle of the room at parties, you wouldn't know it.

I lie.

It's the first form of defense. I become something other than myself and protect my shyness by an act. It happens. I'm actually painfully shy when I'm not acting.

I've been shy with my writing, also. I've shared very little with colleagues who write. I've not done a very good job of presenting my work when I have shared it. I've stepped into the water only to retreat and think it might be warmer later.

I've been playing at it.

I've been shy for fear of drawing a spotlight to something I produce. I've not wanted - really - to point and say "this one is mine" for rejection or harsh critique or whatever. Seems odd since I generally don't give a damn about what someone else might think or say or do.

Well, I don't give a damn when I'm acting.

So, enough. Off on the new.

I know I can write well enough to get my point into the hearts and minds of readers.

I know I can create characters well enough to have them worm their way into your hearts.

I used to write love letters and they worked.

That's all the confidence I need. It's also a good object lesson to overcome hesitation. There's nothing like putting your heart into a letter that goes into the mail and know those words determine your fate.

No one born in this millennium will know that angst in quite the same way.

I lived through that experience the subsequent periods of success until in acting I'd act the ass.

I can live through a decent novel. I'll use a pseudonym, anyway. It's like acting for the shy author.

It will be a shadow and not the real thing.